The World's Most Realistic Aurikku Fic
by Galaxy Girl
Summary: At last, assorted fanpeoples! We will finally get to see how it would be if Auron and Rikku were actually a plausible, REAL-LIVE CANON COUPLE! (Not for Aurikku fans. Flames happily accepted.)
1. Case In Point 1: Priorities

**_The World's Most Accurate Aurikku_ **

**By Galaxy Girl**

A/N: Let's get one thing straight. I hate Aurikku. You can't convince me otherwise. Flame me all you want, you will be mocked! I hate the coupling because it's OOC and gratuitous! YES! GRATUITOUS!

So what follows is a short series of vignettes describing why if there were no OOCness in an Aurikku fanfic, the coupling would not exist.

Also, to make the joke, Rikku's a bit on the dumb side in this one and there is rampant, joking character bashing. Don't kill me, it's supposed to be COMEDY.

* * *

**CASE IN POINT #1: Priorities**

* * *

"Sir Auron?"

The eldest guardian looked up at his summoner, intrigue in his single brown eye. "Hm?"

"I would like Rikku to be my guardian," Yuna said with a nod.

"So soon?" Auron raised an eyebrow.

There was a long, Shatner-esque pause before Yuna nodded again and said, "Yes."

Auron eyed the girl, rocking back and forth antsily with her arms behind her back. Strange, how Yuna was so set on bringing her into the party after such a short period of time. After all, Kimahri already knew how to Steal and Use, making Rikku's inborn abilities as a thief absolutely useless. Besides, the player was one of those who buffed up the strong characters and left the rest abandoned by the wayside—there wasn't much at this point that the teenager could actually DO. Except for attempt to play comic relief and whine a lot in the cutscenes.

But hey, Yuna was the summoner and the world revolved around her.

"Come here," Auron said simply, motioning for Rikku to come over to him.

She inched across the Moonflow banks, still staring at the ground in front of the legendary guardian nervously.

"Look at me. Show me your eyes," Auron said gruffly.

Rikku lifted her head and showed him her swirly cracked-out emerald green pearls of eyes. Though pearls can't be green, I suppose. Hm.

"Do you think my eyes are beautiful?" asked Rikku quietly.

"No. I'm checking if you're an Al Bhed," Auron rolled his eye. "You are looking into it too much."

"A wha?" Wakka stammered.

"A monkey," Lulu recovered seamlessly.

"Oh. Okay den!" None too quick on the uptake, that Wakka.

"But… Auron, I'm basically jailbait fanservice!" Rikku explained, scratching her cheek. "Don't you find my supple teenage body attractive?"

"No. Why would I be scoping out teenage girls for sexual purposes when I have absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship at this time? I have enough to worry about guarding Yuna from being kidnapped every ten seconds and keeping my promises to my two dead best friends without having to work on a relationship," Auron said shortly. Well… not really "shortly", I guess.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Rikku nodded in understanding. "Kinda like how my only priority right now is to protect my cousin Yuna and keep her from being killed as part of a bogus Yevonite tradition that doesn't actually work the way it's supposed to, me being a non-believer in the entire Yevon religion. It's basic characterization."

"Exactly," Auron concluded. "It's your decision, Yuna."

"Welcome to the party, Rikku!" Yuna giggled.

"… WAIT A SEC! Did you say you were Al Bhed?!" Wakka gasped in horror.

"No," Lulu told him.

"… Oh. Okay den!" Wakka shrugged.


	2. Case In Point 2: Leftovers

**CASE IN POINT #2: Leftovers**

* * *

"Yuna, if you whistle I'll come running," Tidus said dreamily. 

"Really?" Yuna breathed.

"I'll follow you wherever you go."

"Wherever I go?"

"Yes. Wherever you go."

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"Wakka, you know you can never replace Chappu?" Lulu asked.

"Yah… I know," Wakka replied quietly.

"You know I act bitchy towards you because I'm worried about you."

"Yah… I know. I really care for you, Lu."

"Let's make a hideous baby."

"Right on!"

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"Kimahri has no girlfriend. Kimahri is big blue furry lion dude, so Kimahri is automatically left out of any romantic pairings. Kimahri cannot help but feel very relieved about that. After all, Kimahri will one day return to Mt. Gagazet and make little Ronso babies with Nuvy Ronso from Ronso Fangs. Yes, Kimahri will marry Nuvy. Nuvy is one hot mama. Kimahri be quiet now. Kimahri write love letter to Nuvy in his livejournal when we get to Luca."

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"Auron?" Rikku asked curiously, staring at all the other paired-off members of the party.

"Don't even think about it," Auron replied sharply.

"Why not?"

"Because forming a relationship on the basis that we are the only leftover characters is asinine and immature."

"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."


	3. Case In Point 3: Age Difference

**CASE IN POINT #3: Age Difference **

* * *

"Hey, Auron!"

Auron half-turned over his shoulder in time to see Tidus speeding up the path behind him. He held in an annoyed sigh, and raised his head as though querying the cause for his name to be called.

"I need to ask you something," Tidus said, crossing his arms demandingly.

"Go ahead," Auron remarked.

"Do you have the hots for Rikku?"

Auron paused for a moment to consider this. "Excuse me?"

"I mean… I don't know, I'm sensing chemistry between you two," Tidus shrugged.

There was a short, obnoxious pause.

"Tidus, how old is she?" asked Auron impatiently.

"Fifteen?" Tidus guessed.

"And do you know how old I am?"

Tidus wisely chose not to voice his guess, seeing as he was bad with faces and Auron had that six-foot beheading sword on his shoulder.

"I'm thirty-five," Auron answered after a few seconds. "Thirty-five year old men, at least those who are mature and responsible, do not look to fifteen year old girls for sexual enjoyment."

"But what about all those dirty magazines my old man used to keep around?" Tidus asked, thinking he had the warrior cornered.

"If you haven't noticed, dirty magazines are focused on one feature in particular. If I were lusting after a younger woman, I'd choose Lulu," Auron replied, rolling his eye. "She has a nice rack, at least."

He stomped off down the road without another word.

Tidus was inclined to agree.


	4. Case In Point 4: Cheese With That Whine?

**CASE IN POINT #4: Cheese With That Whine? **

* * *

It was a bright, sunny day on the Thunder Plains.

Just kidding.

Rain tumbled down from above, thick droplets of cold water that soaked the weary party trailing across the stormy lands. The good news was they would never got lost, thanks to the shrill sonar-like noise emitting from the girl in the back.

"CAN WE STOP?! CAN WE STOP?! I HATE THUNDER! I HATE LIGHTNING! MY BROTHER ELECTROCUTED ME WHEN I WAS A KID! I'M SO SCARED! WHY DO WE HAVE TO STAY HERE?! CAN WE PLEASE STOP?! CAN WE PLEASE STOP?! CAN WE HURRY UP?! CAN WE GO ANYWHERE BUT HERE?! PLEASE LET US STOP! YOU'RE ALL TERRIBLE MEANIES! I'M TERRIFIED!! I'M GONNA WET MY PANTS! PLEASE LET US STOP! WHAT IF WE GET HIT BY LIGHTNING?! WHAT IF THE TOWERS BREAK?! WHAT IF WE ALL GET FRIED BY LIGHTNING AND DIE!? WHAT'LL HAPPEN THEN?! WHO WILL DEFEAT SIN IF WE ALL DIE IN THE LIGHTNING! I'M WET! WE'RE ALL WET, AND WATER IS A CONDUCTOR OF ELECTRICITY! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE IF WE DON'T STOP! LET US STOP, JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE! JUST UNTIL THE STORM PASSES! YOUR MOMS WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU, TORTURING ME LIKE THIS! TORTURE, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS! YOU ALL WANT ME TO DIE! THAT'S IT EXACTLY! YOU ALL HATE ME AND WANT ME TO BE SCARED TO DEATH OR TO BE HIT BY LIGHTNING! YOU'RE EVIL, ALL OF YOU! WHY CAN'T WE STOP?! WHY CAN'T WE STOP?! LET US STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEAE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASEPLEASPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEASE-"

At this point, many people carrying six-foot blades would have whipped around and lopped her head off. Auron, however, was a man with patience of steel to match that giant sword, and he managed to avoid bringing Rikku to her bloody end by uttering a single sentence.

"Shut _up_."

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"Can't you just sense the romantic tension between them?" an idiotic passerby said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" his companion replied.


	5. Case In Point 5: Mister Rogers He Ain't

**CASE IN POINT #5: Mister Rogers He Ain't **

* * *

"Auron? Are you kidding?" Yuna gaped at her cousin.

Rikku blushed and rocked back and forth in her chair. "Well… I mean, he's so strong and he's said some really sweet things to me."

"Like what?" asked Yuna.

"I've conveniently recorded the game script and picked out all the lines he said to me… sweet nothings, y'know!" Rikku grinned, pulling a sphere player out of her pocket. "Here, listen…"

---------------------------------

_"I think I forgot something in Guadosalam."_

_"Nice knowing you."_

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_"Fine, we rest. She's worse than the storm."_

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_"It's not stopping, is it?"_

_"Don't tell me you were hoping it would." _

_"YEEK!" _

_"Fine. Stay here."_

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Rikku bit her lip. "Well… those ones aren't so… er… Here, a little further…"

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_"Enough. Dwelling in the past is futile!"_

_"Hey! You don't have to say it like that!"_

_"You want to waste time listening to her regrets?!"_

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_"Hey, you know something, don't you? Spill the beans!"_

_"Look not to others for knowledge. This is your journey too."_

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"Er… Rikku…" Yuna said uncomfortably.

"H-he really is very sweet and sensitive!" Rikku growled, hitting rewind on the player. "It's around here somewhere!"

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_"Open your eyes."_

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"THERE!" Rikku leapt up from her seat and pointed at the recorder. "THERE! THERE! SEE!? THAT WASN'T INSENSITIVE OR MEAN!"

"It's very… um… convincing, Rikku," Yuna murmured.


	6. Case In Point 6: Death Becomes Him and C...

**CASE IN POINT #6: Death Becomes Him **

* * *

"Let's get going to the Farplane, guys!" Tidus pointed towards the bright, bubbling sphere of doom triumphantly as the group ganged up behind him.

Only one member remained far in the back.

"Auron? You comin'?" Tidus queried.

"I do not belong there," Auron replied.

"Me either," Rikku had a seat on the stairwell.

"Why don't you belong there, Rikku? You wanna spend time with Auron?" Tidus seemed a bit confused at the pair's motives.

"No, I get creeped out by dead people!" Rikku shuddered.

"And I'm dead," Auron said shortly, as though nobody had figured it out yet.

"So does that mean you guys are gonna have sex on the stairwell?" asked a random self-inserted Mary Sue as she walked by the pair.

"OH MY GOD NO I AIN'T TOUCHIN' A DEAD GUY!" Rikku shrieked. "GET AWAY FROM ME ROTTING OLD GUY!"

Auron proceeded to whip around and lop the fangirl's head off.

Splurts of blood flew from the fangirl's bloody stump of a neck, and people stopped and stared all along the Farplane Path.

"Sir Auron!" Yuna gasped. "Why did you do that?"

"BECAUSE I'M PISSED!" Auron screamed.

"Please calm down!" Lulu reasoned.

"I AM CALM! I'M CALM, I'M SERIOUS, I AM A VERY DEDICATED GUARDIAN! I'M INTELLIGENT, I'M DEVOTED TO MY CAUSE, AND I HAVE NO TIME FOR F&NG AROUND WITH AN ANNOYING LITTLE AL BHED GIRL 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!"

"Honestly, people!" Rikku shrieked, leaping up from her seat and facing the audience. "What in the hell are you smoking!? What made you think, as you played Final Fantasy X, that there was ANY indication in our characterizations that we belonged ANYWHERE NEAR each other in romantic circumstances!?"

"By all means, speculate and be creative!" Auron cut in, back in his normal, calm tone of voice. "Pick random couples and work them together! Express your creativity through the medium of fanfiction! But for the love of all that is holy, RESPECT THE CHARACTERS!"

"I am NOT RESPECTED when you make me sobby, angsty and after THAT!" Rikku yelled, pointing at Auron.

"I am NOT RESPECTED when you make me wussy, sensitive, and nurturing for the sake of THAT!" Auron shouted, pointing at Rikku.

"If you've taken anything from this fanfiction, let it be this:" Rikku stated, holding up a sign.

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**THIS IS YOUR FANDOM.**

(picture of FFX game box.)

**THIS IS YOUR FANDOM ON CRACKED OUT OOC SLASH.**

(picture of the beheaded fangirl burning in a fiery, Mary-Sued and Self Inserted HELL.)

_**For the love of god, no more Aurikku.**_

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The End


End file.
